


Take It All Away

by paperstorm



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Character Bleed, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-03
Updated: 2012-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-30 13:08:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperstorm/pseuds/paperstorm





	Take It All Away

Here's the thing. Jensen knows he gets a little too into Dean sometimes, especially in the more difficult scenes. More than a few times, more times than he'd care to think about, Jensen's gotten lost in Dean's head after a particularly emotional moment. Lost in Dean's memories and Dean's broken psyche and Dean's overwhelming devotion to Sam and his even more overwhelming hatred for himself. He's a method actor – it's just how he's always done it, but no role has ever required him to feel even half of the things Dean does in just a few episodes. Comparing playing Eric Brady on Days to Dean is like comparing finger paintings to the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel. Cheap, plastic emotions are easy enough to fake his way through, but with Dean, it's _real_. And it's constant. And sometimes Jensen digs a little too deep.

Jared's always there, though, to pull him back out again. The worst was when Jensen had to monologue to Sam's (Jared's) lifeless body, lying there completely motionless in that dirty room while Dean apologized through tears for not keeping his Sammy safe like he was supposed to. Jensen had to go really, really dark inside to get to a place where he could mirror such unimaginable grief, and then after it was over, try as he might he couldn't climb back out. He remembers it like it was yesterday, remembers staggering off to his trailer the second he heard the word 'cut', collapsing onto his couch and just sobbing like a baby. Sam was dead and it was all his fault, and now he'd have to live the rest of his life alone, and he couldn't take it.

And then Jared came in, dropping to his knees in front of Jensen and then pulling Jensen down into his arms. Jensen cried, and cried, and Jared held him together while he fell apart. He even called him Dean, and called himself Sam; promising over and over again that he was okay and alive and that it wasn't Dean's fault; that he was right there and always would be. Jensen remembers clinging to him and crying until his eyes ran out of tears, and slowly – with gentle hands and whispered words and arms wrapped so tight around him Jensen couldn't have broken away if he'd wanted to – Jared brought him back to himself, saved Jensen from drowning in a river of misery that wasn't even his but was only partly manufactured. Some of it, at least, was real, because you don't break like Jensen did when you're pretending.

They weren't together, then, but Jensen likes to think that's the moment he fell in love with Jared.

And now, a year later, they're back in this same place again only reversed. Dean's the one who's dead this time, and Sam's the one who has to cradle his corpse and cry. It's happened enough times the other way, when Jensen's the one in tears, that it's almost routine for him. He goes off into his corner, thinks about his parents being found dead or his sister in a car accident or Jared being murdered right in front of him (that one works the best), and then he plays the scene, pain and agony twisting his face and the perfect single tear rolling down his cheek like he was trained, and then he runs off to his trailer and lets Jared hold him until he can smile again. But this time, it's Jared's turn. And here's the other thing – as many times as this has happened, Jensen's never been on this side of it before. He's never realized how hard it is to watch someone you love fall apart.

It isn't the first time Jared's had to cry in the three seasons of their show, but it's by far the worst. When Sam had to kill Madison, Jared was only a little messed up afterwards. Jensen hugged him after the take, and Jared was maybe a little clingy for the rest of the night but Jensen was more than happy to spend the evening with Jared wrapped around him if it made Jared feel better. But, usually, Jared's not quite as method oriented as Jensen is. He plays anger and fear and heartbreak brilliantly, but he can shake it off after. This time, apparently, he can't.

The scene is perfect. Jensen can tell, even though he can't really see Jared's face with the way he was told to stare blankly ahead like he would if he were really dead. He can hear, though, and the sheer anguish in Jared's voice as he whimpers, "Dean," and bends down to rest his head on Jensen's chest as sobs wrack his body, it's so good and so horrible at the same time that Jensen has a hard time remembering not to move. He wants so badly to pull Jared properly into his arms and kiss him until the pain goes away, fuck all the rest of the people in the room, but he can't. So he keeps still and tries to breathe shallowly so his chest won't move and hopes Kim will cut the scene soon because he really needs to get Jared out of here. For his own sanity's sake as much as Jared's.

When Kim finally calls it, everyone claps and a few people come over and pat Jared on the back, tell him how good he was while they wipe the mist out of their own eyes. Jared smiles at them through his tears, he's nothing if not an amazing actor even at the worst of times, but Jensen just wants them all to be gone. After the last few congratulations taper off, most of the crew goes about their random jobs and Jared glances down at Jensen. His eyes trail over Jensen's chest and legs, taking in his torn clothing and all the fake blood, and he bristles a little like a fresh wave of emotion just hit him. Jensen actually sees the flicker behind Jared's eyes when, for a moment, he slips back into Sam. He tries to hide it, but there isn't much he can hide from Jensen. He gets up and sort of stumbles off toward his trailer, even as the girls from the makeup department call after him that they need to get him cleaned up. Jensen needs that too, but instead he glances imploringly at Kim, and Kim smiles understandingly and nods in Jared's direction – giving Jensen the okay to go after him. Jensen's never been more grateful for anything in his life, and he takes off after his friend-boyfriend-everything, the sticky red liquid still dripping off him and everything.

Jared's on the floor when Jensen finds him, in a heap against the wall like he barely managed to get inside the trailer before he collapsed. His shoulders are shaking and Jensen's heart shatters into about a million pieces at the sight of him, so big and strong and lively usually, but now so small and lost and pathetic. Jensen sinks down to his knees and puts a hand on Jared's arm, and Jared twitches like he's startled and looks up. His face is streaked with tears, his eyes puffy and red-rimmed and his forehead scrunched, and Jensen almost starts crying himself.

"Jay," he starts softly, but Jared cuts him off with a ragged sob.

"No." He shakes his head and drops it back down to rest on his arms. "No. You're dead. No."

Jensen's chest clenches painfully and his stomach does an awful little flip. "I'm not dead, I'm right here."

"No. I saw it, saw you die," Jared insists in a voice so wrecked the words must burn on the way out, and then Jensen gets it.

"Sammy," he whispers.

"I'm not Sam," Jared mumbles. "m'not stupid, I know I'm not Sam."

"It'll help," Jensen says. He crawls over to sit beside Jared, wrapping his arm around Jared's shoulder and pulling him down so Jared's head is resting on his shoulder. "You don't have to snap right back. Sam needs to grieve, so just be Sam for a little while."

"Jensen," Jared protests pitifully, but Jensen shushes him.

"I'm right here, Sammy," he whispers, holding Jared a little tighter. "Shh, always gonna be right here with you, okay? They didn't get me. Lilith didn't, we stopped her. You stopped her. You saved me."

For a minute, there's no noise in the room other than Jared's quiet sniffles, and Jensen isn't sure if Jared's going to go for it or not. But then he sinks a little further down the wall, melting into Jensen's chest and wrapping his arms around Jensen's waist; clinging to him tightly.

"Dean," he breathes.

"Shh," Jensen soothes, rubbing his palm up and down Jared's arm. "I got you. Always got you, little brother."

Jared starts crying all over again at that, and that's the opposite of what Jensen wanted but he just keeps holding on, whispering little reassurances and petting through Jared's hair. He's not entirely sure whether he's helping or not, but he also knows there isn't much he could do that _would_ help. Nothing's really happened, no one Jared loves has actually died, so it's not like there's some magical phrase Jensen could say that would make Jared all better again. It's all in his head, so they just have to wait it out, like a hurricane.

"You did so good today," Jensen says. He's not even sure whether he's talking to Jared, telling him he was good in the scene, or Sam, telling him he was good for saving Dean. He'll let Jared take it however he wants it, whichever way makes him feel better.

Slowly, Jared's muffled sobs begin to slow and then eventually stop all together. He sniffles quietly into Jensen's shoulder and he heaves a few shuddering breaths, and Jensen kisses the top of his head, which maybe isn't such a good idea since they both still sort of have their Sam and Dean masks on, but Jensen can't help it. So the lines are blurring a little, that's nothing new in their relationship. And it makes him ache inside to see Jared so sad, makes him willing to do almost anything to make Jared smile again. For another minute, Jared just breathes steadily, his moist exhales tickling Jensen's neck. When he finally pulls away and looks up at Jensen, it's all Jensen can do it keep it together himself. Jared still looks completely broken, his eyes still wet and puffy, skin blotchy and his hair a mess from where he was pressed up against Jensen's chest.

Jensen knows Kim's giving them some leeway, giving Jared a chance to get himself back together, but they're probably also not quite done for the day so they'll be called back out to set any minute. He doesn't have time for what he wants to do, but he can't help it. He leans forward and kisses Jared's dry lips, slowly at first and then deepening it when Jared makes a sweet little noise in the back of his throat.

"They're gonna call for us any minute," Jared points out, although he doesn't move away or tell Jensen to stop.

"I'll have to be quick, then." Jensen smiles against Jared's lips and nudges Jared back so he's leaning against the wall again. He nuzzles into Jared's neck, nipping at the tendon lightly and enjoying Jared's responding hiss.

"What're you doing?" Jared asks, cupping the back of Jensen's neck and squeezing.

Jensen looks up, frowning. "You don't want …?"

"No, I just …" Jared sighs and sits up. "You don't have to. I'm okay now."

"I know I don't have to. I want to." Jensen's confused, but then Jared gives him a look that's chalk full of suffering, and Jensen gets it. Just because Jared's mostly pulled himself together, doesn't mean he isn't still a little messed up. Jensen tries to think back to the last time he was in this situation, and realizes he probably didn't feel like jumping right into bed afterwards either.

"Okay," he says, standing up and reaching down to haul Jared to his feet. He walks them over to the couch and lies down, pulling Jared on top of him. Jared slots his body in between Jensen's and the back of the couch. "Wanna talk about it?" Jensen asks softly.

Jared rests his head on Jensen's chest and exhales heavily. "There's not much to say. Just … had to go really deep to pull that scene off, s'kinda hard to shake it off."

"I know." Jensen slides his arms around Jared's back. "You were so amazing, though, baby. Bet the scene's gonna turn out great."

"Did, um … last year, when Sam was dead, and you had to be all broken down, was it hard to convince yourself that it wasn't really me who was dead?" Jared asks quietly, and Jensen's heart breaks a little for him, because he knows exactly the feeling Jared's talking about.

"Yeah," he answers. "It sucked."

"You were … I mean, I know it wasn't real. But you were lying there, all ripped up and bloody, and I don't know. When I was right in the middle of it, it was just kinda hard to remember that it was pretend. That I didn't lose you."

"Never gonna lose me," Jensen promises. "Love you too much."

Jared sniffs and moves in a little closer. "Me too. So how long before this feeling goes away?"

"I don't know," Jensen says reluctantly.

"Do you mind just staying here with me for a while?" Jared asks in a tiny voice, and Jensen swallows over a painful lump in his throat.

"'Course I can. Not going anywhere."

Jared nods, and then he leans up and kisses Jensen, soft and sweet. It deepens quickly, like it always does, and Jensen puts his hand on Jared's cheek to break them apart. "Thought you didn't wanna do anything."

"Changed my mind," Jared whispers. "Please, Jen. Need you."

Jensen can't refuse Jared anything when he sounds like that. He kisses him again, the slow slide of their lips quickly turning desperate as Jared licks into Jensen's mouth. Jensen's instantly dizzy with want and need, Jared gets to him like that sometimes, but he also knows they don't have the time to make this last. Any second now someone's going to be knocking on the door, calling them back out for the next scene. So he wiggles around until he can get on top of Jared, bracing himself on his elbows so he can keep kissing Jared as he grinds his hips down. Jared lets out these beautiful little gasps against Jensen's lips, and when he feels Jared start to harden against his thigh, Jensen moves down his body. He pops the button on Jared's pants and wrestles the material down over Jared's quickly filling cock.

"Jensen?" he asks uncertainly, but Jensen shushes him again.

"Just let me, okay? Let me take care'a you. We don't got a lotta time."

Jared licks his lips and nods, eyes darkening as Jensen breathes a hot breath over the underside of his erection. He licks a wet stripe up it a moment later, spitting into his palm and curling his fingers around the thick flesh, stroking Jared to full hardness and then taking the head into his mouth. He sucks Jared quick and dirty, because he has to, and Jared moans and lets his head fall back. Jensen digs his tongue into the leaking slit, lapping up the tangy-sweet precome and smearing it around the head to slick his way. He bobs his head, his hand making up for what won't fit comfortably in his mouth. He laves his tongue over the ridge just under the head and twists his wrist on the way up like Jared likes.

"Fuck, Jen," Jared rasps. He's close, Jensen can tell, which is good because Jensen can almost feel their time running out, like he can sense the vibrations from the footsteps of whoever's on their way to pull Jared away from him.

Jensen takes a deep breath through his nose and relaxes his throat, letting Jared's cock slip into it and swallowing hard. Jared grunts, curses again, and then his dick is twitching and painting Jensen's tongue with hot, salty come. Jensen drinks it all down, squeezing Jared's shaft and milking out the last few pulses of Jared's orgasm. Jared exhales shakily when Jensen pulls off him with a soft popping sound, and Jensen grins and crawls back up Jared's body to kiss him. Jared moans happily and licks his own flavor off Jensen's lips, just as there's a sharp rap on the door, signaling the end of their break like a buzzer.

"Everything okay, guys?" a male voice asks that Jensen doesn't instantly recognize.

"We're fine," he calls. "Be right out."

He waits for the footsteps to disappear before he turns back to Jared, smiling down at his bleary-eyed expression and slick red lips.

"You gonna be okay?" Jared asks, nodding down toward Jensen's crotch.

"Yeah, I'm good," Jensen answers, climbing off Jared and grimacing as he readjusts himself. Jared tucks himself back into his pants and stands up. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"For the blowjob?" Jensen shrugs playfully. "No problem."

Jared laughs quietly, pulling Jensen into his arms and kissing him. He leaves his forehead resting against Jensen's when their lips part. "That, too. But mostly for the other stuff."

"You're welcome." Jensen knows they have to go, but he can't bring himself to move away. He slides his arms around Jared's middle and hugs him tight, rubbing a hand up and down his back. "It was really hard to see you so upset. Love you so much, never want you to be sad."

Jared makes a small noise of agreement in his throat. He leans down to bury his face in Jensen's neck, soaking up their last few seconds together before they have to go back out into the real world where they're just co-stars; where they can't take comfort in each other's touches like they will when they get home later. "Love you too."


End file.
